Love Dare Day 8

 Day 8 – LOVE IS NOT JEALOUS

Love is strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. 

It burns like blazing fire. –Song of Solomon 8:6 NIV

 

Jealousy is one of the strongest drives known to man.  It comes from the root word for zeal and means “to burn with an intense fire.”  The Scripture pointedly says, “Wrath is fierce and anger is a flood, but who can stand before jealousy?” (Proverbs 27:4).

 

There are actually two forms:  a legitimate jealousy based upon love, and an illegitimate jealousy based upon envy.  Legitimate jealousy sparks when someone you love, who belongs to you, turns his or her heart away and replaces you with someone else.  If a wife has an affair and gives herself to another person, her husband may have a justified jealous anger because of his love for her.  He is longing to have back what is rightfully his.

 

The Bible describes God as having this kind of righteous jealousy for His people.  It’s not that He is envious of us, wishing He had what we have (since He already owns everything).  It’s that He deeply longs for us, desiring for us to keep Him as our first love.  He doesn’t want us to let anything take precedence over Him in our hearts.  The Bible warns us not to worship anything but Him because “the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God” (Deuteronomy 4:24).

 

With this established, we will shift our focus to the illegitimate kind of jealousy that is in opposition to love – the one that is rooted in selfishness.  This is to be jealous of someone, to be “moved with envy.”

 

Do you struggle with being jealous of others?  Your friend is more popular, so you feel hatred towards her.  Your coworker gets the promotion, so you can’t sleep that night.  He may have done nothing wrong, but you became bitter because of his success.  It has been said that people are fine with your succeeding, just as long as it is not more than theirs.

 

Jealousy is a common struggle.  It is sparked when someone else upstages you and gets something you want.  This can be very painful depending upon how selfish you are.  Instead of congratulating them, you fume in anger and think ill of them.  If you’re not careful, jealousy slithers like a viper into you’re heart and strikes your motivations and relationships.  It can poison you from living the life of love God intended.

 

If you don’t diffuse your anger by learning to love others, you may eventually begin plotting against them.  The Bible says that envy leads to fighting, quarreling, and every evil thing (James 3:16, 4:1-2).

 

There is a string of violent jealousy seen throughout Scripture.  It caused the first murder when Cain despised God’s acceptance of his brother’s offering.  Sarah sent away her handmaiden because Hagar could bear children while Sarah could not.  Joseph’s brothers saw he was their father’s favorite, so they threw him in a pit and sold him as a slave.  Jesus was more loving, powerful, and popular than the chief priests, so they envied Him and plotted His betrayal and crucifixion.

 

You don’t usually get jealous of disconnected strangers.   The ones you’re tempted to be jealous of are primarily in the same arena with you.  They work in your office, play in your league, run in your circles…or live in your house.  Yes, if you aren’t careful, jealousy can also infect your marriage.

 

When you were married, you were given the role of becoming your spouse’s biggest cheerleader and the captain of his or her fan club.  Both of you became one and were to share in the enjoyment of the other.  But if selfishness rules, any good thing happening to only one of you can be a catalyst for envy rather than congratulations.

 

He may be enjoying golf on the weekend while she stays home cleaning the house.  He boasts to her about shooting a great score and she feels like shooting him.

 

Or perhaps she is constantly invited to go out with friends while he is left home with the dog.  If he’s not careful, he can resent her popularity.

 

Because love is not selfish and puts others first, it refuses to let jealousy in.  It leads you to celebrate the successes of your spouse rather than resenting them.  A loving husband doesn’t mind his wife being better at something, having more fun, or getting more applause.  He sees her as completing him, not competing with him.

 

When he receives praise, he publicly thanks her for her support in aiding his own success.  He refuses to brag in such a way that may cause her to resent him.  A loving wife will be the first to cheer for her man when he wins.  She does not compare her weaknesses to his strengths.  She throws a celebration, not a pity party.

 

It is time to let love, humility, and gratefulness destroy any jealousy that springs up in your heart.  It’s time to let your mate’s successes draw you closer together and give you greater opportunities to show genuine love.

 

 

TODAY’S DARE – DAY 8 

DETERMINE TO BECOME YOUR SPOUSE’S BIGGEST FAN AND TO REJECT ANY THOUGHTS OF JEALOUSY.  TO HELP YOU SET YOUR HEART ON YOUR SPOUSE AND FOCUS ON THEIR ACHIEVEMENTS, TAKE YESTERDAY’S LIST OF NEGATIVE ATTRIBUTES AND DISCREETLY BURN IT.  THEN SHARE WITH YOUR SPOUSE HOW GLAD YOU ARE ABOUT A SUCCESS HE OR SHE RECENTLY ENJOYED.

 

_____Check here when you’ve completed today’s dare. 

How hard was it to destroy the list? What are some positive experiences that you can celebrate in the life of your mate?  How can you encourage them toward future successes?

 

LOVE DARE – Day 7

Day 7 – LOVE BELIEVES THE BEST

[Love] believes all things, hopes all things. – Corinthians 13:7 

In the deep and private corridors of your heart, there is a room.  It’s called the Appreciation Room.  It’s where your thoughts go when you encounter positive and encouraging things about your spouse.  And every so often you enjoy visiting this special place.

 On the walls are written kind words and phrases describing the good attributes of your mate.  These may include characteristics like “honest” and “intelligent,” or phrases like “diligent worker,” “wonderful cook,” or “beautiful eyes.”  They are things you’ve discovered about your husband or wife that have embedded themselves in your memory.  When you think about these things, your appreciation for your spouse begins to increase.  In fact, the more time you spend meditating on these positive attributes, the more grateful you are for your mate. 

Most things in the Appreciation Room were likely written in the initial stages of your relationship.  You could summarize them as things you liked and respected about your loved one.  They were true, honorable, and good.  And you spent a great deal of time dwelling on them in this room…before you were married.  But you may have found that you don’t visit this special room as often as you once did.  That’s because there is another competing room nearby.

 

Down another darker corridor of your heart lies the Depreciation Room, and unfortunately you visit there as well. On its walls are written the things that bother and irritate you about your spouse.  These things were placed there out of frustration, hurt feelings, and the disappointment of unmet expectations.  This room is lined with the weaknesses and failures of your husband or wife.  Their bad habits, hurtful words, and poor decisions are written in large letters that cover the walls from one end to the other.  If you stay in this room long enough, you get depressed and start expressing things like, “My wife is so selfish,” or “My husband can be such a jerk.”  Or maybe, “I think I married the wrong person.” 

Some people write very hateful things in this room, where tell-off statements are rehearsed for the next argument.  Emotional injuries fester here, adding more scathing remarks to the walls.  It’s where ammunition is kept for the next big fight and bitterness is allowed to spread like a disease.  People fall out of love here. But know this.  Spending time in the Depreciation room kills marriages.  Divorces are plotted in this room and violent plans are schemed.  The more time you spend in this place, the more your heart devalues your spouse.  It begins the moment you walk in the door, and your care for them lessens with every second that ticks by. 

You may say, “But these things are true!”  Yes, but so are the things in the Appreciation Room.  Everyone fails and has areas that need growth.  Everyone has unresolved issues, hurts, and personal baggage.  This is a sad aspect of being human.  We have all sinned.  But we have this unfortunate tendency to downplay our own negative attributes while putting our partner’s failures under a magnifying glass. 

Let’s get down to the real issue here.  Love knows about the Depreciation Room and does not live in denial that it exists. But love chooses not to live there.  You must decide to stop running to this room and lingering there after every frustrating event in your relationship.  It does you no good and drains the joy out of your marriage.

 Love chooses to believe the best about people.  It gives them the benefit of the doubt.  It refuses to fill in the unknowns with negative assumptions.  And when our worst hopes are proven to be true, love makes every effort to deal with them and move forward.  As much as possible, love focuses on the positive. It’s time to start thinking differently.  It’s time to let love lead your thoughts and your focus.  The only reason you should glance in the door of the Depreciation Room is to know how to pray for your spouse.  And the only reason you should ever go into this room is to write “COVERED IN LOVE” in huge letters across the walls. 

It’s time to move into the Appreciation Room, to settle down and make it your home.  As you choose to meditate on the positives, you will learn that many more wonderful character qualities could be written across these walls.  Your spouse is a living, breathing, endless book to be read.  Dreams and hopes have yet to be realized.  Talents and abilities may be discovered like hidden treasure.  But the choice to explore them starts with a decision by you.  You must develop the habit of reining in your negative thoughts and focusing on the positive attributes of your mate.  This is a crucial step as you learn to lead your heart to truly love your spouse.  It is a decision that you make, whether they deserve it or not.

 TODAY’S DARE – DAY 7 

FOR TODAY’S DARE, GET TWO SHEETS OF PAPER.  ON THE FIRST ONE, SPEND A FEW MINUTES WRITING OUT POSITIVE THINGS ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE.  THEN DO THE SAME WITH NEGATIVE THINGS ON THE SECOND SHEET.  PLACE BOTH SHEETS IN A SECRET PLACE FOR ANOTHER DAY.  THERE IS A DIFFERENT PURPOSE AND PLAN FOR EACH.  AT SOME POINT DURING THE REMAINDER OF THE DAY, PICK A POSITIVE ATTRIBUTE FROM THE FIRST LIST AND THANK YOUR SPOUSE FOR HAVING THIS CHARACTERISTIC.

 

_____Check here when you’ve completed today’s dare. 

Which list was easier to make?  What did this reveal about your thoughts?  What attribute did you thank your spouse for having?

 

Wednesday Love Dare Day 6

Day 6 – LOVE IS NOT IRRITABLE

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit,

than he who captures a city. – Proverbs 16:32

 

Love is hard to offend and quick to forgive.  How easily do you get irritated and offended?  Some people have the motto, “Never pass up an opportunity to get upset with your spouse.”  When something goes wrong, they quickly take full advantage of it by expressing how hurt or frustrated they are.  But this is the opposite reaction of love.

To be irritable means “to be near the point of a knife.”  Not far from being poked.  People who are irritable are locked, loaded, and ready to overreact.

When under pressure, love doesn’t turn sour.  Minor problems don’t yield major reactions.  The truth is, love does not get angry or hurt unless there is a legitimate and just reason in the sight of God.  A loving husband will remain calm and patient, showing mercy and restraining his temper.  Rage and violence are out of the questions.  A loving wife is not overly sensitive or cranky but exercises emotional self-control.  She chooses to be a flower among the thorns and respond pleasantly during prickly situations.

If you are walking under the influence of love, you will be a joy, not a jerk.  Ask yourself, “Am I a calming breeze, or a storm waiting to happen?”

Why do people become irritable?  There are at least two key reasons that contribute to it:

Stress.  Stress weighs you down, drains your energy, weakens your health, and invites you to be cranky.  It can be brought on by relational causes:  arguing, division, and bitterness.  There are excessive causes:  overworking, overplaying, and overspending.  And there are deficiencies:  not getting enough rest, nutrition, or exercise.  Oftentimes we inflict these daggers on ourselves, and this sets us up to be irritable.

Life is a marathon, not a sprint.  This means you must balance, prioritize, and pace yourself.  Too often we throw caution to the wind and run full steam ahead, doing what feels right at the moment.  Soon we are gasping for air, wound up in knots, and ready to snap.  The increasing pressure can wear away at our patience and our relationship.

The Bible can help you avoid unhealthy stress.  It teaches you to let love guide your relationships so you aren’t caught up in unnecessary arguments (Colossians 3:12-14).  To pray though your anxieties instead of tackling them on your own (Philippians 4:6-7).  To delegate when you are overworked (Exodus 18:17-23).  To avoid overindulgence (Proverbs 25:16).

It also exhorts you to take a “Sabbath” vacation day every week for worship and rest.  This strategically allows you time to recharge, refocus, and add breathing room or margin to your weekly schedule.  Establishing these kinds of extra spaces will place cushions between you and the pressures around you, reducing the stress that keeps you on edge around your mate.  But there is a deeper reason why you can become irritable.

Selfishness.  When you’re irritable, the heart of the problem is primarily a problem of the heart.  Jesus said, “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” (Matthew 12:34 NKJV).  Some people are like lemons; when life squeezes them, they pour out a sour response.  Some are more like peaches; when the pressure is on, the result is still sweet.

Being easily angered is an indicator that a hidden area of selfishness or insecurity is present where love is supposed to rule.  But selfishness also wears many other masks:

Lust, for example, is the result of being ungrateful for what you have and choosing to cover or burn with passion for something that is forbidden.  When your heart is lustful, it will become easily frustrated and angered (James 4:1-3).  Bitterness takes root when you respond in a judgmental way and refuse to work through your anger.  A bitter person’s unresolved anger leaks out when he is provoked (Ephesians 4:31).  Greed for more money and possessions will frustrate you with unfulfilled desires (1 Timothy 6:9-10).  These strong cravings coupled with dissatisfaction lead you to lash out at anyone who stands in your way.  Pride leads you to act harshly in order to protect your ego and reputation.

These motivations can never be satisfied.  But when love enters your heart, it calms you down and inspires you to quit focusing on yourself.  It loosens your grasp and helps you let go of unnecessary things.

Love will lead you to forgive instead of holding a grudge.  To be grateful instead of greedy.  To be content rather than rushing into more debt.  Love encourages you to be happy when someone else succeeds rather than lying awake at night in envy.  Love says “share the inheritance” rather than “fight with your relatives.”  It reminds you to prioritize your family rather than sacrifice them for a promotion at work.  In each decision, love ultimately lowers your stress and helps you release the venom that can build up inside.  It then sets up your heart to respond to your spouse with patience and encouragement rather than anger and exasperations.

TODAY’S DARE – DAY 6

CHOOSE TODAY TO REACT TO TOUGH CIRCUMSTANCES IN YOUR MARRIAGE IN LOVING WAYS INSTEAD OF WITH IRRITATION.  BEGIN BY MAKING A LIST BELOW OF AREAS WHERE YOU NEED TO ADD MARGIN TO YOUR SCHEDULE.  THEN LIST ANY WRONG MOTIVATIONS THAT YOU NEED TO RELEASE FROM YOUR LIFE.

_____ Check here when you’ve completed today’s dare.

Where do you need to add margin to your life?  When have you recently overreacted?  What was your real motivation behind it?  What decisions have you made today?

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The Love Dare Day 1

                                        RECEIVE THIS AS A WARNING.

THIS FORTY DAY JOURNEY CANNOT

BE TAKEN LIGHTLEY.

IT IS A CHALLENGING AND OFTEN

DIFFICULT PROCESS, BUT AN INCREDIBLY

FULFILLING ONE.  TO TAKE THIS DARE

REQUIRES A RESOLUTE MIND AND A

STEADFAST DETERMINATIONS.

IT IS NOT MEAN TO BE SAMPLED OR BRIEFLY

TTESTED, AND THOSE WHO QUIT EARLY WILL

FORFEIT THE GREATEST BENEFITS.  IF YOU

WILL COMMIT TO A DAY AT A TIME FOR FORTY

DAYS, THE RESULTS COULD CHANGE YOUR

LIFE AND YOUR MARRIAGE.

CONSIDER IT A DARE, FROM OTHERS

WHO HAVE DONE IT BEFORE YOU.

NOW THESE THREE REMAIN:
FAITH, HOPE, AND LOVE.
BUT THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE
1 Corinthians 13:13
 
 
 
 
LOVE DARE 

 
Day 1 – LOVE IS PATIENT
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient,
bearing with one another in love. – Ephesians 4:2 NIV
 
Love works.  It is life’s most powerful motivator and has far greater depth and meaning than most people realize.  It always does what is best for others and can empower us to face the greatest of problems.  We are born with a lifelong thirst for love.  Our hearts desperately need it like our lungs need oxygen.  Love changes our motivation for living.  Relationships become meaningful with it.  No marriage is successful without it.
 
Love is built on two pillars that best define what it is.  Those pillars are patience and kindness.  All other characteristics of love are extensions of these two attributes.  And that’s where your dare will begin.  With patience.
 
Love will inspire you to become a patient person.  When you choose to be patient, you respond in a positive way to a negative situation.  You are slow to anger.  You choose to have a long fuse instead of a quick temper.  Rather than being restless and demanding, love helps you settle down and begin extending mercy to those around you.  Patience brings an internal calm during an external storm.
 
No one likes to be around an impatient person.  It causes you to overreact in angry, foolish, and regrettable ways.  The irony of anger toward a wrongful action is that it spawns new wrongs of its own.  Anger almost never makes things better.  In fact, it usually generates additional problems.  But patience stops problems in their tracks.  More than biting your lip, more than clapping a hand over your mouth, patience is a deep breath.  It clears the air.  It stops foolishness from whipping its scorpion tail all over the room.  It is a choice to control your emotions rather than allowing your emotions to control you, and shows discretion instead of returning evil for evil.
 
If your spouse offends you, do you quickly retaliate, or do you stay under control?  Do you find that anger is your emotional default when treated unfairly?  If so, you are spreading poison rather than medicine.
 
Anger is usually caused when the strong desire for something is mixed with disappointment or grief.  You don’t get what you want and you start heating up inside.  It is often an emotional reaction that flows out of our own selfishness, foolishness, or evil motives.
 
Patience, however, makes us wise; it doesn’t’t rush to judgment but listens to what the other person is saying.  Patience stands in the doorway where anger is clawing to burst in, but waits to see the whole picture before passing judgment.  The Bible says, “He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly” (Proverbs 14:29).
 
As sure as a lack of patience will turn your home into a war zone, the practice of patience will foster peace and quiet.  “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger calms a dispute” (Proverbs 15:18).  Statements like these from the Bible book of Proverbs are clear principles with timeless relevance.  Patience is where love meets wisdom.  And every marriage needs that combination to stay healthy.
 
Patience helps you give your spouse permission to be human.  It understands that everyone fails.  When a mistake is made, it chooses to give them more time than they deserve to correct it.  It gives you the ability to hold on during the tough times in your relationship rather than bailing out under the pressure.
 
But can your spouse count on having a patient wife or husband to deal with?  Can she know that locking her keys in the car will be met by your understanding rather than a demeaning lecture that makes her feel like a child?  Can he know that cheering during the last seconds of a football game won’t invite a loud-mouthed laundry lists of ways he should be spending his time?  It turns out that few people are as hard to live with as an impatient person.
 
What would the tone and volume of your home be like if you tried this biblical approach:  “See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another” (1 Thessalonians 5:15).
 
Few of us do patience very well, and none of us do it naturally.  But wise men and women will pursue it as an essential ingredient to their marriage relationships.  That’s a good starting point to demonstrate true love.
 
The Love Dare journey is a process, and the first thing you must resolve to posses is patience.  Think of it as a marathon not a sprint.  But it’s a race worth running.

 
TODAY’S DARE – DAY 1
 
THE FIRST PART OF THIS DARE IS FAIRLY SIMPLE.  ALTHOUGH LOVE IS COMMUNICATED IN A NUMBER OF WAYS, OUR WORDS OFTEN REFLECT THE CONDITION OF OUR HEART.  FOR THE NEXT DAY, RESOLVE TO DEMONSTRATE PATIENCE AND TO SAY NOTHING NEGATIVE TO YOUR SPOUSE AT ALL.  IF THE TEMPTATION ARISES CHOOSE NOT TO SAY ANYTHING.  IT’S BETTER TO HOLD YOUR TONGUE THAN TO SAY SOMETHING YOU’LL REGRET.
 
_____Check here when you’ve completed today’s dare.
 
Did anything happen today to cause anger toward your mate?  Were you tempted to think disapproving thoughts and to let them come out in words?
 
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LEARNING TO TALK WITH YOUR WIFE IS LIFE- CHANGING

Learning to Talk With My Wife Is Life-Changing

If you’re like me, talking about your problems, issues and fears comes about as naturally as shaking hands with your left hand (surprisingly difficult and almost always awkward). I’m the type of guy who likes to work things out on my own. If there’s a problem at work, I’m going to figure out how to fix it. If there’s a weight on my shoulders, I’m going to bear it without complaint. I don’t know why—I think it’s one of those guy things about not wanting to seem weak in front of others. Regardless, it’s just the way I’ve always been.

My wife, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. If something bad happened at work, we’re going to talk about it. If she’s got a worry on her heart, we’re going to talk about it. If there’s even an issue that might be coming up months down the road, we’re going to talk about it and plan for it.

When we first started going out, I had no idea how to handle this. I felt like a nerdy white guy with no moves at a dance party (I know how that feels because I am one). Talk about my problems? Why would anyone want to do that? Let’s just deal with them ourselves and talk about happy things.

However, over the years, one of the many things about my wife that I thank the Lord for is this desire to talk about our issues. God did not put us on this earth so we could live by ourselves; He made us relational people for a reason. We are not supposed to deal with everything by ourselves. We are not strong enough, smart enough or wise enough to deal, alone, with everything the world puts us through.

Of course, self-sufficiency is still something I struggle with. Last week I got some challenging news that was pressing on my mind. My natural reaction to this sort of thing is to deal with it, pretend it’s not a problem and figure out what to do about it. Of course, for the whole time it’s on my mind, I’m going to be grumpy and irritable.

So instead of doing what I was inclined to do, I just told my wife what was going on the first time we talked about it. Everything in me was screaming not to, that she would think of me as weaker. Everything in me was wrong. As always, she was wise, encouraging and sympathetic. After a five-minute conversation, the weight was off my shoulders.

Guys, I’m pretty young and I don’t know a lot about marriage, but one thing I do know is that this world is tough, especially right now, and we were not meant to handle everything by ourselves. If you have a wife, share everything you’re going through with her as soon as you can. It’s one of the most intimate things you can do.

For you single guys, make sure you’ve got one or two friends in whom you can confide. It doesn’t have to be about big things, either. Often I’ve found that in accountability groups, we talk only about things we think are important enough to share—it can make you feel a little weak to share what’s really bothering you if it’s not an end-of-the-world type problem. But if anything is on your mind, talk to your brothers about it. You’ll be amazed at how freeing it is and how much they will relate to you.

Create a New Marriage …

Create a New Marriage … with Your Same Spouse

Whitney Hopler

You and your spouse annoy each other more than enjoy each other.  There’s very little romance left in your marriage, but plenty of conflicts.  All attempts so far to improve your relationship have failed.  You don’t want to continue living like this, but you don’t want the trauma of divorce, either.

What to do?  You can walk away from your old marriage and create a new and better one with your same spouse.  Here’s how:

Face your problems.  Admit that your marriage has become so broken that it isn’t working.  Don’t waste any more time and energy wallowing in misery.  Instead, think of all the joy and satisfaction that you both and your children are missing with your marriage in its current state.  Let that motivate you to make changes.

Tear down your old marriage and start rebuilding.  Think of your old marriage as an unsafe building that must be torn down so a new building can be built in its place.  Set a solid foundation in place for your new marriage by constructing three pillars: growing closer to God through spiritual disciplines like regular prayer, Bible reading, and church attendance; both you and your spouse meeting with your own accountability partner weekly, and scheduling four times to talk as a couple each week for 20 to 30 minutes each time.

Repent.  Rather than blaming your spouse for the problems in your marriage, acknowledge that both of you have contributed to its breakdown.  Take responsibility for your own mistakes that have harmed the marriage.  Accept that you can’t change your spouse, but you can change your own attitudes and actions, so focus on how God wants you to change.  Confess and repent of your sins in specific ways, and tell God how sorry you are about the impact your sins have had on your relationships with Him and others, such as your spouse.  Ask God to forgive you.  Commit to turning away from your sins and walking in the opposite direction – toward God – from now on.

Discuss your mistakes and work to correct them.  Write a letter to your spouse describing your mistakes from the day you met to today and expressing your repentance.  Ask your spouse to do the same.  Then read your letters out loud to one another, while you each take turns listening and making positive – not negative – comments about each other’s letters.  Identify each of your top two mistakes and come up with a plan to correct those mistakes in your marriage.

Choose to be positive.  Even while your feelings toward your spouse are negative, you can decide to interact in positive ways that will eventually improve your feelings toward each other.  Figure out what specific behaviors you can do that will demonstrate that you care about your spouse; then follow through by doing them regularly.  Ask God to help you notice qualities you can appreciate about your spouse and make a habit of complimenting him or her often.  Make time to share conversations about topics you both enjoy.

Bring back some physical affection.  Force yourselves to reach out and touch each other affectionately again.  Hold hands.  Give each other massages.  Share kisses and hugs.  Even when you’re not ready for sexual intimacy, you can still express your love in physical ways to thaw the ice between you.

Resolve conflicts successfully.  When you and your spouse discuss your disagreements, take turns speaking and listening in 10-minute blocks and clarifying each other’s message until you both feel understood.  Be willing to compromise to make decisions that both of you can live with on a trial basis, and be willing to renegotiate if necessary.  Take breaks whenever your conversations get off track and restart when both of you have calmed down and are ready to focus. 

Heal from your past pain.  Pursue healing for emotional pain from your past that is affecting your marriage right now.  Write letters to the people from your past who have had a dramatic, lasting impact on how you operate in opposite-sex relationships (such as your parents and ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends).  Ask your spouse to do the same.  Identify how you’re repeating unhealthy behaviors you learned from your relationships with them in your current marriage.  Join your spouse to read each other’s letters and discuss how best to stop the transfer of past pain to your marriage.

Forgive.  Write a letter to your spouse describing specific events or behaviors for which you’re choosing to forgive him or her.  Ask your spouse to do the same.  Then read your letters to each other and discuss them.

Work to meet each other’s needs.  Talk openly and honestly together about what specific needs you hope the other will try to meet, and how and when to accomplish that.  Discuss both daily needs (like splitting errands and household chores) and your ongoing top emotional needs (such as for enriching conversations, sexual intimacy, and spiritual growth).

Use tough love to help motivate your spouse to change.  If your spouse is stuck in a serious sin (like an addiction to alcohol or pornography, or a pattern of verbally abusing you), stop tolerating the status quo and go to war against the sin that’s harming your marriage.  Stand up to your spouse and clearly state that either he or she chooses to change, or you’ll separate.  Gain the strength you need for this process through prayer, a support team of people you can trust, and a professional therapist and financial and legal advisors, if necessary.  Write a letter to present to your spouse during your initial confrontation and invite him or her to discuss it with you at a later date, on which your spouse should also begin intensive work on your marriage if he or she wants to save it.  If your spouse doesn’t choose to work on your marriage, bring several people on your support team with you to confront your spouse.  If that doesn’t work, get your pastor and other church leaders involved.  If even that doesn’t work, shun your spouse and separate.  Don’t pursue a divorce.  Instead, keep praying while you’re separated and God will strengthen you.

The Husband’s Sanctifying Role in Marriage

The Husband’s Sanctifying Role in Marriage

Bob Lepine

It was a custom in ancient times for a bride to be bathed before her wedding. The custom was not simply carried out for aesthetic purposes. That bath had the same symbolic idea as a white wedding gown. The freshly bathed bride would arrive at the altar pure and clean. She would be, in the language of Ephesians 5, “having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing” (v. 27). Any impurity or defilement that might have existed was figuratively washed away in that prenuptial bath.

In the same way, when a man confesses his sins and comes to Christ, he is cleansed from all unrighteousness. Old things are passed away, according to 2 Corinthians 5:17, and all things are made new. Our Bridegroom washes us with his blood, and we publicly declare that we are his in a covenant cleansing ceremony of our own — baptism.

There is a significant difference between the ancient custom of a wedding day bath and the cleansing of the bride spoken of in Ephesians 5. In the first case, the bride makes herself ready for her husband. But in the Scriptures, the bride of Christ is incapable of cleansing herself. It is her Beloved who cleanses her, with his own blood, and who washes her in water with the Word.

Now, in a very real sense, God the Holy Spirit is the agent of sanctification in the life of every believer. He is the one who is charged with the responsibility of conforming us to the image of Christ. Although his ministry to us is sometimes direct and personal, he often chooses to work through the lives of other believers to press us toward holiness.

According to this passage, then, God wants a husband to follow the example of Christ, and to take responsibility for his wife’s spiritual growth. John MacArthur says it this way: just as “saving grace makes believers holy through the cleansing agency of the Word of God . . . it is with that same purpose and in that same love that husbands are to cultivate the purity, righteousness, and sanctity of their wives.”1 Or, as James Boice states it, “God holds husbands responsible for the spiritual growth and maturing of their wives.”2

This responsibility for my wife’s spiritual growth involves two primary assignments: I am not to lead her into sin, and I am to lead her into righteousness.

A few years back I was a guest on a radio talk show, fielding calls from listeners about marriage. A young woman who called in that day said that she and her husband were having marital problems. As she explained it to me, there were sexual practices he wanted her to engage in which are clearly forbidden in Scripture, including the two of them viewing pornography together. He was angry with her because of her refusal, and she called me, wondering if she should submit to him in these practices. She told me that her husband claimed to be a follower of Christ.

The only way a husband can lead his wife into sin is if he is going there himself. I believe there are many husbands today who are attempting to justify their own sinful behavior by trying to get their wives to join them in it. I told this caller that a wife is never to obey her husband if he asks her to violate the commands of God. In this case I suggested that she seek counsel from her pastor, asking him if he thought she ought to participate in these activities. My hope was not only to direct her to ongoing godly counsel, but also to expose her husband’s sin in hopes that the church would confront him and hold him accountable.

In Genesis 12 we read about a husband who led his wife into sin. The father of the nation of Israel, Abraham, began his patriarchal career by asking his wife to tell a little white lie.

Abram and his wife Sarai had gone to Egypt to find food, for there was a famine in the land where God had brought them. Abram was afraid that some Egyptian man would find Sarai attractive and would kill him so that he might have her for his wife. So Abram instructed Sarai to lie and to say she was his sister.

Now, whom was Abram worried about? Not Sarai. He wanted to protect his own skin. Since everyone thought Sarai was Abram’s sister, all the Egyptian men figured she was fair game. She was taken to Pharaoh’s house and was about to become a part of the harem when God stepped in. He sent a plague on the house of Pharaoh and made it known to Pharaoh that Sarai was a married woman.

Pharaoh was not happy with Abram for perpetrating this hoax. In the providence of God, Abram and Sarai were able to get out of Egypt alive.

Whether it involves viewing pornography or telling a lie, like asking your wife to sign a dishonest income tax return, a husband who encourages his wife to sin is falling short of the example of Christ. We are called to live holy and blameless lives, and to invite our wives to follow us as we follow Christ.

As we turn away from sin, we are also to lead our wives in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. This involves active encouragement and discipleship as we seek to see our wives grow in their walk with the Lord.

There are three primary ways in which we can encourage our wives to grow. The first is to do all we can to help them grow in their personal walk with Christ. We should help provide time for our wives to be in prayer and in their study of God’s Word. We can point them to resources for this and can suggest other books to read or tapes to listen to. We can also make it possible for them to have extended times away for personal retreat and solitude.

Second, we ought to take the initiative and encourage them to grow with us. We should set aside time to read with them, to pray and study together. Some husbands I know make it a practice to read a book together at night, before bed, taking turns reading the chapters out loud. Another friend sets aside a three-hour chunk of time each week for reading and study together with his wife. Even a one-page devotional each day will give you an opportunity to grow together.

Finally, a husband can lead his wife to corporate worship. He should be the one leading them to participate in Sunday worship, as well as Bible studies and fellowship with other believers. He should make possible the opportunity for her to be a part of women’s Bible study groups. It is his responsibility to make sure he and his wife have plenty of opportunity to grow in their relationship with Christ. And if she has a question about the Scriptures, he needs to stand ready to help her find the answer (see 1 Cor 14:35).

Christ has cleansed us, the Bible teaches, “by the washing of water with the word” (Eph 5:26). Most Bible scholars believe that verse is a reference to our baptism and to our profession of faith (“the word”). The writer of Hebrews, however, has a different kind of cleansing in mind when he talks about how drawing near to Christ leads to our sanctification. “Since we have a great priest over the house of God,” he says, “let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water” (Heb 10:21-22).

In John 17 Jesus prays for his followers that God will “sanctify them in the truth.” God uses his truth — his Word — as his means of grace to make us more like himself. In that way God’s Word is like water: the more we’re immersed in it, the more it does its work of cleansing us and making us more like Christ. As we read, study, memorize, and meditate on God’s Word, he will use his Word to change us. That’s why Paul exhorts us to “let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another” (Col 3:16), and why David reminds us, “Thy word I have treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against Thee” (Ps 119:11).

John MacArthur puts it this way: “Men, if you love a woman, you will do everything in your power to maintain her holiness, her virtue, her righteousness, and her purity . . . every day you live. You’ll never put her in a compromising situation where she would become angered, because that’s a sin. You would never induce an argument out of her, because that’s a sin. You would do nothing to defile her. You would never let her see anything or expose her to anything, or let her indulge in anything that would in any way bring impurity into her life. Love always seeks to purify.”3

A husband, then, is to follow the example of the Savior. He is to become an agent of sanctification, working with the Holy Spirit to encourage her to grow toward maturity in Christ. He will need to be a model of righteousness. He will need to lead her not into temptation, but to point her away from sin. He will provide her with opportunities to individually and together learn God’s Word.

 

A Championship Marriage

A Championship Marriage

By Ace and Bethany McKay

Those of us who love sports can get downright giddy when we watch our favorite team win on the field or the court. How many of us guys, though, scream “We’re No. 1!” when we ink a big “W” in our marriage? Yet when you and your wife work as a team, you rack up more wins in your relationship—and enjoy consistent “home field” advantage!

On any given Sunday, a football team marches onto the field with a plan for how they are going to win. They’ve worked hard all week practicing and designing plays that will help them perform to the level of their strengths and beat their opponents. No team with a goal to win plays without a game plan.

Yet in our marriages we say, “I do!” only to find ourselves later on the field of life saying, “Now what?” You’ve probably heard this saying (which is as true for marriage as it is for life): “If you fail to plan, then you plan to fail.”

Sure, any team can get into a slump. And they do. But when they do they make changes. They get rid of bad habits and create a playbook that leads to wins

If your marriage is good, then with a new playbook it can be great; and if it’s bad, it can become better. Here are five ways you and your spouse can start thinking and playing together like a team.

1. Realize you ARE a team: It takes both of you to make the marriage work. You have a role, and your spouse has a role. No one can be the quarterback all the time—somebody has to run, catch and block for a game plan to work. When you open up and talk about your expectations for each other, you begin to define your roles as husband and wife to the point that you start to work like a team.

2. Identify your trouble areas: Bad habits can form in marriage much like with a team, but if you can replace them with good habits, then your marriage can be a lasting one. Winning occurs in the little things. Wasn’t it the little things that she did when you dated or after you were engaged that made you fall in love with her more and more? It’s also the little things during your marriage that make you grow in love together. If you see chemistry during a game between players, it’s because they have spent time together. They have practiced the plays from their playbook for the good of the team. Paying attention to the details, the little things, gives them that confidence.

3. Create an offense and a defense: Any good team has plays on offense that, when executed correctly, score every time. Any good team has defensive plays that keep other teams from getting a score. Your marriage needs the same kind of planning. You can start with the easy plays that you know you will execute because of the natural progression marriages take. These are: kids, sex, money, career, faith and outside relationships. Starting with these will open up a great line of communication between you and your wife. Talk out every play and its rules of engagement, as if you were going to run that play tomorrow. Then, when tomorrow comes, you’ll already be suited up and ready to go.

4. Lean on your ’12th Man’: In football, each team has 11 men on the field for every play, but you often hear announcers talking about a “12th man.” They’re referring to the crowd. The crowd cheers louder when the opposing team is trying to score—in an effort to disrupt the play; but they also cheer loudly for their team when they do something well or when they want to rally the team for a comeback. In marriage, the 12th man is a person or couple outside the marriage who has “been there, done that.” A mentor couple who has seen their own team through hard times is a great 12th man. For each spouse, the 12th man needs to be someone of the same sex. Wives need to talk to other wives and husbands need to talk to other husbands.

5. Scrimmage, scrimmage, scrimmage: As you start working as a team, the next step is to get into a regular “scrimmage” with your spouse. No—I don’t mean you should head-butt and tackle each other! Teams scrimmage to see how their plans and playbook stand up in the heat of the game. So your next step is to practice good habits that make your marriage team stronger.

It takes time and consistency to achieve your goals in marriage. Pick one or two things and work on those. Over time, and with realistic expectations, you’ll find it’s not about chiseling the perfect marriage—it will become more about developing a healthier, more inspiring relationship with your wife.

The Locks and Keys of Effective Prayer

 

The Locks and Keys of Effective Prayer

 

The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. – James 5:16 NIV

 

THE LOCKS:  TEN THINGS

THAT BLOCK PRAYER

 

1.       Praying without Knowing God through Jesus

          John 14:6 – Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.”

 

2.       Praying from an Unrepentant Heart

          Psalm 66:18 – 19 NIV – “If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer.”

 

3.       Praying for Show

          Matthew 6:5 – “When you pray, you are not to be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners so that they may be seen by men.  Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full.”

 

4.       Praying Repetitive, Empty Words

          Matthew 6:7-8 – “And when you are praying, do not use meaningless repetition as the Gentiles do, for they suppose that they will be heard for their many words.  So do not be like them; for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.”

 

5.       Prayers Not Prayed

          James 4:2 – “You do not have because you do not ask.”

 

6.       Praying with a Lustful Heart

          James 4:3 – “You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.”

 

7.       Praying while Mistreating Your Spouse

          1 Peter 3:7 – “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way…and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”

 

8.       Praying while Ignoring the Poor

          Proverbs 21:13 – “He who shuts his ear to the cry of the poor will also cry himself and not be answered.

 

9.       Praying with Bitterness in Your Heart toward Someone

          Mark 11:25-26 – “Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions.  But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgressions.”

 

10.     Praying with a Faithless Heart

          James 1:6-8 – “But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one you doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind.  For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”

 

THE KEYS:  TEN THINGS

THAT MAKE PRAYER EFFECTIVE

 

1.       Praying by Asking, Seeking, and Knocking

          Matthew 7:7-8, 11 – “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened…If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!”

 

2.       Praying in Faith

          Mark 11:24 – “Therefore I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you.”

 

3.       Praying in Secret

          Matthew 6:6 – “But you, when you pray, go into your inner room, close your door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you.”

 

4.       Praying according to God’s Will

          1 John 5:14 – “This is the confidence we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.”

 

5.       Praying in Jesus’ Name

          John 14:13-14 – “Whatever you ask in My name, that will I do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.  If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it.”

 

6.       Praying in Agreement with Other Believers

          Matthew 18:19-20 – “Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven.  For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst.”

 

7.       Praying while Fasting

          Acts 14:23 – “When they had appointed elders for them in every church, having prayed with fasting, they commended them to the Lord in whom they had believed.”

 

8.       Praying from an Obedient Life

          1 John 3:21-22 – “Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do the things that are pleasing in His sight.”

 

9.       Praying while Abiding in Christ and His Word

          John 15:7 – “If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.”

 

10.     Praying while Delighting in the Lord

          Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

 

A SUMMARY OF THE LOCKS

AND KEYS OF PRAYER

 

1.       You must be in a right relationship with God.

2.       You must be in a right relationship with other people.

3.       Your heart must be right.

” Lake Dunlap”

I can still feel the warm breeze across my face, as I think about the summers we spent at the lake.

Every summer until I was about 11, my dad would take us on vacation to some place fun and exciting, but the place I remember the most is Lake Dunlap. I don’t really know why this place brings up such GREAT!! memories for me, maybe it’s because it is were I spent most of my time alone with my dad he and my mom had 3 daughter but no sons, but I was a tom-boy so everything my dad did I was right there, hunting, fishing, playing golf, what ever boys did I was all there. What makes this memory so special is my parent were not together………..

 While I was still a newborn my parents divorced, but my dad never missed anything we did, and because they remained friends we saw him almost every day. He would be there in the mornings before we went to school, and every evening to have dinner with us and put us to bed. Because  neither of them remarried until I was about 5 years old we got to spend a lot of time together.

 During the summer’s we did a lot of fun things, but going to the lake was the best for me.  My dad was part of a boating club so we knew most of the families that came to the lake. I can still see my dad in his dress Whites, with his captains hat and gold applets on his shoulder as he prepared to race his boat, and even though he was 6’4″ he seemed so much  taller to me. He was a good man who loved his girls more than anything. I learned  a lot at Dunlap Lake.

I learned to swim in that lake,  and to drive a boat on that lake, how to moor a boat , and most importantly, that the lake bottom is very uneven with deep drop offs.  But most of all my sisters and I got to make some lasting memories with our dad,  (who has gone home to be with the Lord),which will stay with us forever and anytime we want, we can allow those memories to take us back to a place where we had the greatest time of our lives.

Dunlap lake is still there today making great memories for other families. but it’s in Texas.  So let me encourage you to find a place of your own to build great lasting memories for you and  your families.

If you have a  vacation story to share go to the comment section and share those great memories……